4 ways to deal with the unvaccinated people in your life

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

Key Messages (TL:DR)

1. “Information doesn’t change minds.”
2. “When you think of someone as the devil you’ll never understand their motives.”
3. “When defensiveness starts, listening stops.”
4. “We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are.”

Like you, I have people who chose to remain unvaccinated in my family as well as my social and professional networks. They are people I care about and respect as human beings with a different view. At times I struggle to balance the implications of public health with the exclusion factor. Navigating how this will play out is distinct for each context at a micro-level and there are no easy answers.

There is a lot to contend with. And over the years, I’ve picked up a few things that have helped me deal with this kind of complexity in relationships of all kinds. If you’re frustrated with the ‘blame the unvaccinated’ narrative or want to find ways to stay connected to the unvaccinated people in your life here are my thoughts.

What concerns me is a destructive and divisive narrative that places blame on those who choose to be unvaccinated. And to an extent, there’s some validity there, and they are still human beings worthy of love and support. In fact, to withdraw these causes further damage. To point the finger is simplistic and though understandable, it’s really not useful. The issue is complex and begs a considered and well thought out approach.

Local Context

For the next several months in Melbourne, we’ll be facing a difficult situation where the ‘vaccine economy’ will open up while our daily case numbers have never been higher. This is anxiety-producing for many. We’ve got mixed feelings about restrictions lifting when the active cases of COVID-19 is hovering around 22k. There are about 900,000 adults unvaccinated in Victoria and children under 16 are not yet approved for the vaccine. For many professions this is vital, health care workers of all kinds, parents with kids in child care that require parents to be vaccinated, people who have underlying conditions that are still susceptible despite being fully vaccinated, those officially exempt from vaccination due to medical advice.

Boundaries

It’s ok to choose to be in contact with fully vaccinated people for the time being. There are plenty of good reasons for doing what you can to avoid the risk of coming into contact with COVID-19 even if you’re fully vaccinated. And the unvaccinated members of your family and communities can still be part of your life in the same way they were during lockdown. Remotely. Communicate both your care and your concern. It’s ok to be clear about what risks you’re willing and unwilling to take and still be kind and caring.

Photo by Chandra Daru Nusastiawan on Unsplash

Here are some notions that may be useful in dealing with the people in your life who chose not to be vaccinated. I don’t suggest you take my word for it, try it for yourself as you see fit, or not. If it helps, great, and it may not.

1. Information doesn’t change minds. Working for an AIDS Service Organisation in my 20s I learned about the harm reduction approach. Recognising that people will take risks and do things that are harmful like shoot heroin or smoke crystal meth. In terms of disease prevention, accepting this behaviour was more effective than condemnation. We realised that telling men who have sex with men to just use a condom wasn’t useful or effective. Social determinants of health helped us navigate caring for people who had been shunned by society. Telling them the information did not help the situation, facts were futile in this context. Part of what’s at play is conservativism bias, new information not sparking changed behaviour. Which leads me to the next point. (And I don’t expect his information to change your mind either!)
2. “We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are.” This quote from Anias Nin beautifully illustrates that each of us looks at the world from our own perspective. Each of us has a personal paradigm or worldview that includes and excludes elements of the dominant paradigm. Our civil society is based on a significant proportion of the population following a set of agreements, rules and laws. There will always be a portion who don’t. Those who chose not to be vaccinated, in this context, are a small minority that has the potential to get very sick with COVID-19 and overwhelm the health system. Can you be curious about how you’re looking at the situation, from what perspective? What assumptions are you making?
3. A quote I heard once stayed with me, “When you see someone as the devil, you’ll never understand their motives.” In other words, demonising others prevents us from understanding them. If we want to know why people do what they do or don’t do what’s expected, seeing them through a lens of contempt stops us from finding common ground. Seeing them as human beings and stepping into our own humanity, without judgement or condescension (however unintended) is critical when communicating with people on this topic.
4. When defensiveness starts, listening stops. The minute one person feels defensive, the conversation is over. There is a closed-ness and a focus on right and wrong. It could help if you can notice and name your own defensiveness, and pause. Utilising Covey’s 6th Habit (of Highly Effective People) to listen first to understand, then be understood is a valuable consideration here. I notice when I say “I’m feeling defensive,” it usually de-escalates a disagreement.

In his latest book, Think Again, Adam Grant talks about Vaccine Whisperers using a technique called Motivational Interviewing. The approach is primarily about curiosity and listening, there is no attempt to inform or influence directly. It’s a methodology that has been studied, replicated and is incredibly successful. It’s been used for Vaccine hesitance in Quebec for a Measles outbreak. It shows the value of something as simple as more listening and less shaming.

I know a nurse who has several auto-immune diseases who is facing losing her job because she can’t reconcile her own health factors with her beliefs about the vaccine’s safety. As a health care professional, she understands the implications all too well and I’m sure it’s weighing heavily in her thoughts about it. When we spoke, I listened, and we agreed that we can still be friends and disagree. I know she cares, she’s not selfish.

A few final thoughts. There is much more to say about each of these but I’ll close with a couple of tips.

• Vaccine hesitance is not the same as being ‘anti-vax’. Treat them the same and you’ll get nowhere.
• Pick your battles. Sometimes it’s just not worth the energy. That’s ok.
• Play the long game and resist short-termism. We still need to coexist with those who chose not to vaccinate, 6 months, a year, five years from now. How we treat this group now will have implications on the future of our society.

We are already a divided society, the deeper the divide, the riskier it gets. When we lose trust in our social institutions and each other, the implications are unimaginable. When trust breaks down, the fabric of our communities frays. This has an impact on us all.

Stay Human. Use the power you have. Create the future you want.

Lead the way by inspiring people to act from a place of care.

Start where you are with what you’ve got, with the people around you.